moments...

You know? I HATE that’s fucking night when I’m awake and I started to think, I star to think and I get sad, I hate that, now more than ever cause I’m living it, all started when I discussed with my grandmother cause I hate when my cousin comes and I can’t be wherever I want in my own house, that’s crazy , so I decided to stay here in my kitchen, I turned the music on I ate ice cream and then I started to do that fucking work I supposed to did it today, and then I heard a song, which made me think, what would I do I my grandma died? Somehow I didn’t wanted to think about it, people always ask me that and I just answer I ll do everything for not to change anything and still living where I’m living now, but that’s just something I decided long time ago, not a notice, but when I really started to think about I realize, and I don’t now, what the hell would I do without her? She’s been always there for me, of course we have our fights, everyone does (why I’m crying while I wrote this?) and of course I know how to cook, clean and all those things, but I realize I wouldn’t do anything, not because I don’t want to, just because I couldn’t handle it. So what? Its normal to feel like that, right? So why I started to care about her, get worry about her, it really worry about what could happened to her, I don’t want to lose her, I don’t want to, I love her, how I couldn’t, how long it’s been since I said it to her? It’s not the first time I feel this way, I remember it, remember when I was younger and I used to cry at night because I was afraid , afraid to lose her, and all my thoughts were please don’t leave me alone, about what I was afraid? Of loneliness or because of her, maybe, maybe people don’t miss people, maybe what they miss is the empty place someone left, maybe they don’t even miss something, maybe they are afraid, afraid of the future without that person, afraid of loneliness, and maybe they aren’t, maybe it’s just me, who can’t be a fucking minute alone in silence with her feelings and thoughts maybe it’s not sadness what I feel, who knows whatever it is, don’t let me breath, it’s hard to me, but it won’t kill me, and I have to learn how to deal with it. maybe we are just like kids, when they took them something away they start t cry.no one know if it because they want it or is it cause they don’t know how to deal with it, but they does they cry, they cry until they forget it. maybe there’s the secret, the one every one of us have been using but no one’s know it, maybe people have to forget to live.
Today I woke up and I felt myself empty, and I thought it will past, I saw the Simpsons, one of my bff called, I didn’t know if I should say to her or not, I didn’t, she called again, and I didn’t, she called again and I talk not with her, with my other bff who was in her house, a fact which only made me felt fall apart, even more, I wanted to talk about what happened the last Friday, I went to see paranormal activity with 3 friends, and I felt so out of place, I wish I could say “I don’t give a shit” but I do, they say I want to be the Centre of attention ,technically they are right, just technically, cause I want to be the Centre of attention of my group of friends ,I’ve always was, but if there something I hate its be the Centre of the world I just can’t handle it. But no matter the way I see, that day I had a fuking feeling which I can’t stop think about it, july, Lourdes and me we were bff since last year we said we will be forever, but that day I knew it won’t be that way, I, I just knew that, that was the beginning if the end, I can’t stop it. The people who pass by your life, those moments, they won’t ever last, they will go away, all of then, at the end you will be alone, alone with those memories , that memories what make you remember the days of happiness, even those days you said were the worse day ever, why? The present its always better than the future, as the future is worse than the past worse than the present. Life is short, people shouldn’t waste their time, but they does. Life it’s like a monopoly every decision you take will change the future, you decide your future, but you don’t take care of it, no until something bad happens, this is the way it will be.
I’ve already finish skins, for second time, anyway I realize about something everyone sleeps with everyone, they are a group of “friends” 8 or 9 I think, but what its like they are not really friends, they don’t act like that, I don’t get it, maybe it’s the culture, no one can trust in anyone, its kind of weird I wouldn’t live like that but at the same time I did ,and yeahhhhhhh I finished that facking work for school, and im not shore july did it by herself I mean she asked me like 12 times per question but who knows I would be wrong, and I saw a movie which to be honest y can’t remember the name, but it was about a men who worked for the army and he was in a mission with his best friend but he died, 7 year later a man come to see him and he said the president of the usa will be killed, they asked to helped him , and what he had to do was , think how he would kill the president but, that weren’t really their intentions , it was good, the movie shows you, the corrupt way of the law and how people do what they want just cause they have power.

find me

Time has pass, I’m not the same girl i was in the 2009, where did she go? I wish I could find her, and I know it not possible, I’ve always loved English but I never thought I I’ll get to the point I couldn’t express myself in my own language, it’s like I can’t say it at least not in Spanish, what happened to me? I want to go back in time , I remember those days when I was thinking life is a shit when I used to cut myself for everything, stop eating and troth it up everything I ate, I thought I was stronger, but I wasn’t , of course I had problems, which were made by me, why did I had to screw it up?, who cares , what I’m talking about is, used to know everything how to act in the exactly moment, I controlled people to make them do what I want, and better than that no one’s realize about what I was doing, somehow looking back all it seems so perfect, it was some kind of perfect with him the only one who I really care someday, I could say the problem was me, anything about that, there weren’t problems which involved people who wasn’t me, I lie, of course it were, but I didn’t care ,no really, they don’t affected me. That’s past tense, why should I care about it? I don’t know but I do, I used just to write sentences, no questions, what happened with that, am certain I know everything, so why do I ask?, I think I just I can’t accepted , somehow it’s like if I do I have to solve it, I know I will, but what the hell would I do without problems, life it’s about make steps and steps, but what if there’s no more steps to do? What should I do? Life wouldn’t have sense to me, shall I died? No, I guess. It’s been a long time since I wrote for last time a year I think, a lot of things has happened, and this is a new star, writing, but it’s not cause I want, cause the other document where I was writing its somewhere I can’t go in there. I decided to wait until I can, well I couldn’t, I just can’t trust people but if I don’t talk I know I’ll get mad, and I know there’s no one better than me to advise me, no one. People can listen, but they don’t really understand you, they don’t care , they can said they will be there and that’s just faked, they make a lot of promises without sense and they don’t keep them.so what the hell should I do then? Fuck then all? No, I don’t think so but I don’t know how long I can be that way.
Today… what did I do today? Just nothing, well I’ve been downloading anime and some yanki series , I’ve been watching skins, the best serie ever, and I started to think, when I was younger when I first saw it, I wanted life to be that way, but the other people don’t, I guess they were too young, but now, all people are that way and I’m like, are you serious? What they are doing what they want to do I’ve already done it, so what? They are different to me, and being honest I don’t really know if I want to be with them. I have to do A LOT OF HOMEWORK but I just can’t make up my mind, like something don’t let me do that, but I I guess it’s me.