Ok, yesterday was weird i mean, i cut myself, that time was because I was about to explode , for the pressure, there were to much problems, and am the kind of girl who try to forget but this time I couldn’t cause there were too much problems for me, I couldn’t think cause I was sad about the G thing , L and J fight, and because I had a 2 on IT . But I did something what always worked, I cut myself , and everything gets better some how, in music I did it right on the test, without studying, an too on the practice part, plying the song on the piano. For other part in civics I haven’t study neither , and my folder wasn’t complete I mean when I had to have 36 articles I had 9, and the exercises where less than the half. The teacher called me and told me to take me communications book, just that, because I did it well on the test and it was like OMG, so after I did that everything gets better . When I get school J told what she an L tried to fix thing but at the end everything get worse, and I don’t know why but I was something what 2 day ago was stressing me but today I didn’t care, so I didn’t pay much attention, and when we were back to school J told me what with L , was everything ok, it was a joke, soo or im to intelligent or im a shit of friend. Later about 3 o clock we went to gym because it was a fight, while we were walking we saw the boys and it was like oh no I don’t want them to see me, and I hide my face, they saw us and told us there wasn’t a fight so then we went no neo tokio and I bought 2 book of susumiya haruhi no yuutsu. It seems the poor boys of the shop were sick of us cause we asked the price of almost everything. Then we went to my house and we passed the day watching anime. Anyway when she go I started to see inuyasha , at first was like how did I saw this?, but then I understand, I mind that anime represent my childhood , all the fantasies I had, all the games I used to play. But I didn’t get REALLY emotional until I saw the ending , those endings are my inspiration of life, they teach me a lot of things , things I forgot, I realized that I used to be authentic but now im just not being myself and I hate that.
Quise mostrarme ante ti , como alguien de duro corazón, el tiempo paso me arrepentí, ahora pediré tu perdón, mi indecisión causo en gran error, me domino el temor, hoy me descubrí y vez ante ti lo que hay en mi, ven quiero saber que eres realidad , dame felicidad , que hay en ti a reír que hay en ti al llorar, lo quiero descubrir , ¿Por qué esperar?, siempre temí entregar mi vida, hoy ya no es así, me decidí y nadie habrá que me lo impida, quiero que mi corazón lo goza un sentimiento el desconoce , el amar sin freno entregándose.
This songs talk about when people pretend to be someone else for being scared, scared of be hurt, but the time pass , and you start to know the consequences and started to feel guilty. It also talks about,in life, sometimes to have what you want , you have to give up something , sometimes is tis or this, and you can’t choose it all, and whatever you choose could change it all, then you feel scared , scared of the future , so you end leaving the decision for the next day, and the next day, but the time is over, and the decision is not yours anymore ,and for that time you ve left the insecure for more time. But you can’t evade it you get in shock for the frightening. And also make me remember how I was the last year when I was interested to know people so I used to ask them about their life’s, but that was cause y knew what knowing people lives you can find their weak point, because they gave you the key of their destruction . makes me thing about when sometimes things are so perfect that you can believe they are real but also it could happen what people sometime try to make themselves believe something is not real cause reality sometimes could be so hard that you want it make go away, believing something which it’s not real.
Yesterday I saw some old pictures, of old times of happiness, of sadness, because that moments were the best and the worst , but I realize that was me, laughing so loud what the happiness I felt seems just like a dream, and the nights of nightmares when I was lying on the bed all night crying until I sleep, the weakness of cant deal with a critic about me, the sadness that makes me do stupid thing an fall n a vicious circle and hate myself for that , the open skin the blood running it might not be there anymore, but the scars are there around my body, on my arms on my stomach, the day I get so scared than I thought I was going to died that night because I was losing to much blood, cause I lose control, cause when I cut I didn’t feel paint, I didn’t think I just did it. The obsession for a skinny body, the calories of every food, the dream I ve always was scared to lose because I get it. Weeks and weeks eating just fruit, doing exercise 6 hour per day, and throwing up everything I ate. The feeling of wake up and want sleep forever to forget my life, the sadness going on high while the hours are passing by, been te worse time, the night, and been afraid of the night, knowing what’s coming ,knowing you can’t do anything to stop it, just wait, getting to the point you start to enjoy it, when change is not an option and all that you know is sadness, and you start to forget how does it feel to be happy, how does it feel an smile on your face, but a real one, cause people realize and you have to pretend what its all all right when is not, then you star to watch them, and you learn how to control them, your life is not anymore, cause now it’s a game, when you know perfectly whats going on, the consequences, everything, friends doesn’t exist anymore they are just people who are analized for you, they are just pieces of your chessboard, of your game.
