I don’t know why but I can’t stop thinking about the past, and I don’t know why I’m feeling alone, I mean I have a lot of friends, but I realize I don’t keep the friendship like I used to do it, I remember 2 year ago and I was all the time in messenger talking with 8 friends and the same time, and it was the same every day, of course that doesn’t change the bad I was feeling, but at least I wasn’t alone. Now it’s like have friends to talk to, but, I don’t want to talk to them, it’s like I can’t trust them, and I know I’m really proud an I’m always thinking they are all just stupid people , but it’s horrible feel what there’s nobody to hold you, and nothing but destroy yourself will make you feel better, what kind of hope is in that, I mean keep doing this is dig my own grave, I know what I have to learn to deal with problems , but I can’t handle it, and the worse thing , the problem it’s me, the way I feel , I tried to change it, but I just can’t stop to feel like that, I’m trying to distract me listen to music and it gets worse, because I start to feel like there are not enough air , and I don’t want to feel tile that, I don’t know how to fix it, because I don’t even know the reason why I feel this way, I heard happy song and it’s like I’m never going to be happy again, and the only way that I could feel better it cutting myself. At first I didn’t want to ,I was afraid to lose control, like that day I thought I was going to die, but I’m weak, and I had to, I made me 4 cuts on my stomach , and 3 on my arm, then I felt better. What does that means? What I have to cut myself to do not be sad? Because that’s the way it seem.
The last times I felt that way was on Friday, cause 2 friends were joking about my boobs looking at them i didn’t care at first, even I ve laugh of it, but when they start to do it when the rest of the group was there, I didn’t like it at all, and I just get so furious with all of then what all I wanted to do was to see the blood run, mine of course, but I didn’t have the elements to do it, and it would be to obvious if want to the bathroom , I was really angry. But no matter how angry I was, when I saw then later I acted like it was all ok. and the last time was a few minutes ago, cause I don’t know why but I just wanted to cry, but I couldn’t, I wanted to cut myself, but i don’t have to do that anymore, cause the most possible is what a thing get to other and I ll finished losing control, losing so much blood that I would think I’m going to died, anorexic, bulimic , somehow going where I belong, where I’m from, because of those thing im the way I am and I was the way I was. But I can’t lie about it, I’m scared, because those thing are me, and one little part of me want to be like that again, but for other part I don’t want to, because I know what does that matter, fights , nights of nightmare, been dying inside with a sea of tear, and that the poison secret what everyone will wants to know. Couse no one had to know the way I feel, everything I ll have to keep it inside of me, and the vomit and blood will be the way ill clean myself, and the days without eating will be my penalty , but looking from the outside im going to be the mysterious girl who know everything and its always happy, people will come like ants to a piece of cake, but they don’t know the reason why the does, and that’s why the good energy they ll feel being around me it’s the paint I feel inside, while the secret its bigger , the lie it is, and while , more perfect it seem from the outside, its more destroyed in the inside.
-Facil es ocupar un lugar en la agenda telefonica.
-Difilcil es ocupar el corazon de alguien.
-Facil es juzgar los errores de otros.
-Dificil es reconocer nuestros propios errores.
-Facil es herir a quien nos ama.
-Dificil es curar esa herida.
-Facil es perdonar a otros.
-Dificil es pedir perdon.
-Facil es soñar todas las noches.
-Dificil es luchar por un sueño.
-Facil es exhibir la victoria.
-Dificil es asumir la derrota con dignidad.
-Facil es decir que amamos.
-Difilcil es demostrarlo todos los dias...
-Facil es criticar a los demas.
-Dificil es mejorar uno mismo...
-Facil es pensar en mejorar.
-Dificil es dejar de pensarlo y realmante hacerlo..
-Facil es recibir.
-Dificil es dar
