Ok, how can I start this? All the shit I can say is what I screw it up EVERITHING I fucking did that, and the worse of all this , is what I ve just realize, after 2 fucking years, I mean all started with a fucking dream I had, I don’t know where I was I just know it was somewhere like woods, and there I mustn’t use the computer but I was using it, but it was hide somehow, and I was talking to someone who was REALLY important to me, it was a boy, my ex boy best friend. He told me that he miss me, he missed talk with me the way we used to do it in the past, what he want to things be the same again.
When I woke up I didn’t remember anything, I think that’s just why my mind can’t deal with that, but the memories could be stronger even more than instinct of protection. I was ok all day, until the night, when I came to sleep, I tornedo on the tv and then I heard a song, a fucking song of love, I liked that song but at the same time, I started to feel bad, but I like it, I had to heard it. Silly me, cause about that song I remember the way I feel when I was with him, it was, especial. I used to feel that way and it was horrible to know I wasn’t going to feel like that again.
It was weird cause I didn’t start to cry like I used to, but its not like it’s just disappeared I started to remember the way it all started, since he get to school on seventh grade we were friends, but at the beginning of the next year we stop talking to us, until one day, I went where F and G, I came to say something to her, but they were talking about something I don’t know, but he said what he loved me and then asked me if I do the same, I said, yeaah suureeee….. like I wasn’t very convinced about what I was saying, anyway y wasn’t, then I remember when we were with the girls in art class , then he came behind me , and hold my hands looking at me in the eyes, I looked up in his eyes and then I put I head on his stomach, and we started to talk, until we realized there were people looking at us.
Then this, I realized where I was I forgot it, it was like I was trying to live again that moment, I have to admit I’m stuck in those times. But when I went back to the present I realized it haven’t change at all, it was like when I talk with him by facebook, thing what we only do every a few months, it’s like nothing has change , the I looked at the red rose witch was in my light table for year and it barely changed, then I thought thing by chat were like that, cause it was that way, but I realized what when we were face to face, nothing is the same, and it won’t be, so then I remembered the last time I saw him the day I realized it was the beginning of the end, the end of our group of friends, all of they were in bad humor, I was determinate for not to let that ruin that day caused I’ve always wanted to go to Parque de la Costa.
I ignored it all day, cause I get home, I took I shower and then I went to sleep, I was made it shit, but the next day I just felt awful I mean that day has gone . In those days I was watching an anime called shakugan no shana, and the reason was what, when I saw the opening it was like something pass across me and hit my should, I know it sounds strange but when I heard it I felt like something hit me. But that’s not the song im talking, is one called JOINT, cause I felt perfectly identify with that song.
futatabi mirusekaiwa chirito zanzou awaikage / una vez más veo este mundo,polvo imágenes del pasado y sombras desvaneciéndose /
tThis means when, I knew our friendship was getting over and I was seeing all the memories go far away, disappearing,, and then says, ¿doushita ino? ¿doushite? Kodoku no wari suo kimeta hazuu data noni¡¡ konote o hanaza naide itsuka de owaru omi kara kokoro mieru yume gaiga masameru , tsuyoi shisen no Kanata mayoi futari no sugata ga mieru, dakara susumo no saranaru toki e,
¿que deberia hacer?¿porque? pensé que estaba lista para este largo viaje¡¡ por favor no sueltes mi mano¡ tus sentimientos despiertan un deseo que no pudo expresar en mi corazón. Ante mis ojos estamos nosotros sin detenernos, por eso me moveré hacia el futuro.
That means what before we agree to meet , he called me almost every day and ask me to hang out, but I always put excuses cause I was scare of seeing the change, then I decided to hang out with him just after he came back in 15 days, and I had to be ready to see what I lost, to accept that I lost him, but that day I felt awful , I wasn’t ready and that made me shit, but I needed to take a decision , not because someone tell me
, because I needed ,but I didn’t know, cause, I want to send him to hell, because I was sick of the fact of getting sad every time I was with him, a happiness sadness, but getting to the point that I couldn’t deal with that anymore it was destroying me. But at the same time I didn’t want to give up to that friendship it was special , I didn’t want him to go away, to lose him I needed him, and what I realized he means something what his someone really special for me, and I guess those feelings were that I was in love with him, but I couldn’t accept it, when I look back I see all the things we been through , and how we solve all the problems, been there for the other taking care, cause I was wick I ve always been , but he were always to support me, so even if we weren’t friends anymore, I shouldn’t do stupid thing and move on.
Been sincere I want to shot me in the face but I can’t do anything I just can’t, it’s too late now so I guess y should see what I could do. For other part july fight with lu, for me most stupid reason in the world, well not really cause it depends of the point of view but, they just can’t fix thing and whatever the other says the other gets even more angry, even if it for fix thing, they just can’t talk right between each other’s and that’s fucking making me mad. But the thing that worry me is what they could fight but not like a silly fight , a big one, and this could be the end of the group, I don’t want that.
Lastly I feel like everything is going wrong I mean I got math’s for December and I have other signatures which I don’t know how the hell are going to be my marks , and that scared me, for example IT, I get a 2, on the test and don’t even the concept can save me, such a holly shit, it’s really worrying me, but today after that awful test I REALLY REALLY wanted to cut myself it’s like, after seeing the blood run everything gets better I know it sound crazy , but it that way, and that weird , so I started to think what to do that kind of things it like a made a pact with the devil. But it the same time while I’m doing it I always feel guilty, it’s like I’m broking a promise and if there something really important for me are the promises ,but I don’t remember what I’ve promise something like that, I don’t know, but anyway I’m fucking sick of all its stressing me, too much pressure, too much problems, too much thing to take care, fuck the only thing I want to do is go away. This weekend I’m not going to give a shit of anything, gosh I’m dying, I’m fucking dying…
